Ducks were invented by God (possibly as a reworked chicken) and have fascinated mankind ever since. Men have marveled at their unique design, their fair to average aerodynamics, the ability to swim (backwards if necessary though this has rarely been documented) and even with webbed feet they walk quite well. A ducks walk is a wonderful thing and even mildly suggestive when they decide to "waddle".
Animal behaviorists and communication specialists have identified a duck vocabulary* of at least six and perhaps as many as eight different quacks …so just what are these feathered little creatures talking about?

Ducks and humans have a shared history that stretches back eons…though who came first is still hotly debated.
Written history of Ducks is somewhat sketchy prior to ancient Rome. However hieroglyphics found on tablets in the Valley of the Kings in 1921 by professor Donald Waddle of the university of Carnlough suggest a cult like religion which worshipped a large Mallard called Tom.
The Romans knew the value of a good Duck and would keep them as slaves. A man's status in Roman society was measured in part by how many ducks he "owned". The Emperor Claudius (37-54 A.D.) was said to have had 2000 ducks and was thought to be fluent in "Quackish" (the ancient language) His prize possession was a rare Irish Blue duck called Norman. This magnificent specimen had eluded two crack Roman legions for 3 years before being captured in Dan Campbells back yard in 46.A.D. Descendants of Norman are believed to have migrated to north western France , establishing what was to become Normandy. (Duc du Normandie)
Bishop Odo was an enthusiast and some of his specially trained "suicide ducks" played an important part in the Norman conquest of 1066..they are easily spotted in parts of the Bayeaux tapestry and one is thought to have played a pivotal role in the battle of Hastings .Contemporary reports say that just before he was struck down..one of King Haralds knights pointed to the sky and shouted "duck".. he didn't and the rest is history. Our feathered friends are fairly well documented from then on to the present day. Quackery was popular with the masses from medieval times through the Victorian era and can still be found today if one is willing to pay dearly. The old coinage known as the "Ducat" was based on the value of one large Black bellied Whistling duck or two small female Mallards.
During the second world war ducks were used in the successful Allied landings in Normandy..thus coming full circle from the 1066 invasion In the 1950's it was "duck and cover", which brings us to the present day and where in the world would we be without Duck tape!

*more on duck linguistics in chapter 37

Related articles : the Gimmbler and Does the bomb hurt? Thanks to The Victoria and Albert Museum. The Imperial War Museum. The University of Carnlough.Walt Disney and Red Green.

Bill Craig
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December 20, 2000
Bright Lights, Big City
In November Wooloughan's Irish Pub at the Regent Las Vegas was once again filled with the sounds of Bill Craig. During this visit Bill also took time out to visit a Las Vegas Wedding Chapel. While in Las Vegas on November 28th Bill attended the wedding of his webmaster Alan Hood and his new bride Lisa. Bill served as the witness at the wedding which took place at the Little Chapel of the Flowers and was simulcast live over the internet.

Many thanks to Bill for his support and for bringing the video camera. The marriage celebrations spilled over to Bill's performance the next night at J.C. Wooloughan's Irish Pub at the Regent Las Vegas. The resort filed for bankruptcy protection on November 21st and this caused some small crowds for the first few days of Bill's performances as their was uncertainty as to whether the hotel/casino was open. The November 29th and 30th shows were quiet affairs but by the weekend shows on December 1st and 2nd the word was out that they were open for business and Bill Craig was in town. Bill played to a packed house both nights with lively crowds that allowed themselves to be lost in the music and forget any woes from the nearby blackjack tables. J.C. Wooloughan's pub is a very unique establishment which has been designed and built with an eye for detail. The pub is completely finished in wood which gives it a warm feeling and provides a level of comfort immediately upon entering. Being located in Las Vegas the crowd can vary greatly, with attire ranging from jeans and shorts to evening gowns and suits but the atmosphere is such that the differences are almost unperceivable.

A great feature is the private booths which accomodate 6-8 people and include a table for four as well as stools for those who choose to drink and watch the show. Unfortunately the site lines from these booths make it difficult to see Bill on stage except for one or two of the seats. The food and drink are excellent however service was a little slow at times. In all fairness it's difficult to judge service levels with such limited time spent at the pub.

All in all, an excellent locale to take in one of Bill's shows and where else can you retire to the craps table in between sets. A word of warning, the washrooms are right next to the casino so if a member of your party doesn't return immediately you can probably find them at a nearby slot machine. The nickel slots by the front door of the casino pay out well..!! The Regent Las Vegas is located at 221 North Rampart Blvd in Las Vegas and a cab from the Strip will cost you about $20 including tip. Add about $5 if the driver takes the freeway. Bill is fast developing a following in Las Vegas with rival casino resorts approaching him to perform at their hotels. Bill has even been approached by the Bellagio, one of the most high-class resorts on the Las Vegas strip and is currently examining all of his options. Although show details are not currently available Bill will be returning to Las Vegas in 2001 and there is no doubt that his star will continue to rise. Perhaps one day he'll be performing at a theatre named after him. As Bill once stated, "You know you've made it in Vegas when they name a theatre after you".

AH
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A Summer Recap - October '99
Hi friends or the curious or the lost, here’s what’s been happening over the last few months. Back in June I was in Phoenix again playing the Blarney Stone in Scottsdale. This is NOT going to happen again, JUST TOO HOT and Greg’s being a jerk again. Had fun playing with Danny Downing on bass. Then back to Toronto for one whole day and then on to Stuttgart via Vienna for two weeks @ the Dubliner. My dad had been diagnosed as terminal so I cut short my German gigs and went to Ireland for a month to spend some time with him. This was very important and I’m glad I went. As of this writing he(my Dad) is still hanging in and confounding the doctors... Did a bunch more recording in Belfast with Wilcil Mc Dowell and Sean Mc Cann for Outlet records. The word from B’fast is that the long delayed Northwind C.D. is finally coming out...at last. Weather in Ireland in July was fantastic and spent lots of time up the coast and even managed some deep sea fishing with Kieth and Hobson..thanks for letting me "drive" the boat. Back in Amsterdam for 3 days!! Finished with 2 weeks in Stuttgart including a total eclipse of the sun "WOW". So the Movie(BOONDOCK SAINTS) is being shown on the U.K. Satellite SKY pay per view during Oct’99 the first showing will be Wed 6th at 10 p.m. Still no sign of it on this side of the water. I will be filling in for Colm O Brien on the Long Note Celtic radio show in Oct. Broadcast is on 88.1 F.M. Toronto C.K.L.N. and is available on the net @ Broadcast.com. The show airs from 8 to 9 p.m. on Sunday Oct 3rd and Oct 17th. I’ll be out in the great southwest this Nov with gigs in Vegas/ Phoenix and San Diego see some of you then.

All the best, Bill.
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Bill's Adventures in 1998 - January '99
Well it was quite a year for me. Starting with Jan in Germany and performing six nights a week while trying to learn the Irish Rovers material for their Spring tour..I found myself wandering thro the steets of Nurnberg mumbeling ??..half a pint gill quarter gill etc. The tour (as a member of the Rovers) went very well, tho a very tough travel schedule and concerts from coast to coast. The high points for me where gigs in Cleveland and the Paddy,s day concert in Phoenix in front of 6000 plus avid Rovers fans. The downside was the daily flight and/ or long drive and the complete abscence of on the road fun. These guys are pro,s of the top order, meaning ..well I,m sure you know what I mean. The Rovers tour ended in mid April on the beautiful island of Vancouver, a place I always wanted to visit and easily one of the most rugged wild and unspoiled places I,ve been.
So I,ve been a wild"Rover" and I never will play one no more..but in all fairness it was a thrill and an honour to share the stage with living legends like Joe Millar,George Millar and the incredible Wilcil Mc Dowell, Thanks guys.
May was spent back in my old haunts here in Toronto at pubs like Mc Viegh,s and Mc Duffs..then it was back to Bavaria for June. The weather was great and I really enjoyed just sitting around in the beer gardens reading in the afternoon.
Wilcil and I had become friends on the Rovers tour and he suggested we form a duo to poss, work in Europe. So after Germany I went to Belfast in July where we recorded a new c.d. as "Northwind" for Outlet records. The c.d. is mostly Irish trad material with a few classic songs such as Sonny,s Dream and Nancy Spain both songs written by friends. I wrote one song for the album, its called The Coast Road and I,m very pleased with the way it turned out, especially after Patrick Davey the talented Belfast piper did his thing to it.
As of this writing the c.d. is still not available but should be out soon in Ireland and the U.K.
Back in Toronto in Aug, I was performing in Mc Viegh,s one wed night when I met Troy Duffy and the cast of the movie Boondock Saints. We had a great night singing and drinking...his band was also there "The Brood" and they performed..exellent. Troy figured I,d perfect as an actor in his movie ( in the part of Mc Gerkin,the foreman of a meat packing plant in Boston) and asked me to read for the part. I did so the next day and left the lunch room with the part,a scipt and the bizarre experience of sitting next to one of favourite actors, Willem Dafoe. Willem plays an F.B.I. guy in the movie which also stars Billy Connolly Sean Patrick Flannery and Norman Reedus.
Acting was a lot of fun, and interesting to see how a movie is put together..having my own trailer was a hoot and getting to hang out with Billy Connolly was a riot, plus the pay was more than fair, Thanks Troy. Oh and a special thanks to Dot Marie Jones, who I worked with most closely in my scenes. She really is a pro and helped me relax and have fun on the set. The movie should be in theaters this Spring or early Summer.
(By the way , a excerpt was shown at a film fest in Europe recently and the reviewer said "this movie Rocks")
End of Aug was break time in New York City and of course good old Cape May New Jersey..a place I highly recommend.
Sept in Toronto...and thanks to all my friends who still make the effort to come see me play..
Oct I was back in the studio here in T.O. working on the follow up to High Mountain Range with Steve Sherman engineering and the usual suspects Don on keys and Shelly on fiddle. We recorded 4 songs and made a start on 3 more.
Which brings me to Nov in Phoenix..This is almost a traditional gig now at the Dubliner, tho, this year I also played the Blarney Stone in Scottsdale. Plus more recording with Dennis Putcher, Patty Lynn on vocals and a wonderful fiddler from Apache Junction Jerrica Turner. We recorded a version of my friend Jamie Snyder,s lovely ballad "Evangeline" and the old Irish song Tarry Flynn.
Took off to California for a couple of days but didn,t see anyone, just holed up at the Ramada for a change..then on the way back I hooked up with my old buddy Brian Baynes (he appears in the Titanic as the crewmam who offers the captain a life jacket) in Yuma..had dinner a nice little break from the road as he,d been in Tucson doing exactly the same thing as me.
So another year..sometimes I think I do nothing but it,s finding the time to actually do Nothing..that,s the problem. Thanks to Alan Hood my webmaster and congrat,s to himself and Lisa..I must perform at the wedding.A special thanks to my wonderfully strange friend Dan Downing and his wife Susan for continuing to provide shelter and laughter in Phoenix Az.
Watch out for the new Todd Hallawell c.d. on the Soundset label..it,s an incredible guitar album. Billy Connolly told me he,s going to record a new album of music...should be great...Check out Tony Cummins if you get a chance in the San Diego/ Houston Texas area..Brian Baynes "brilliant" SUPPORT LIVE MUSIC...Hope you all have a great 1999./ maybe I,ll see you on the road..

Bill Craig.
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Life with the Rovers - April '98
I've just got back to Toronto after a 2 month tour as a member of the Irish Rovers. It was quite the "trip" and in many ways not what I expected,though I can,t say what I thought it would be like. After a brief 3 days practise in my basement we left Toronto for the warmer temp,s of Florida and straight in the deep end with concerts in Palm Beach , Melbourne and Key West. I didn,t meet the 7th band member "Big" Sean O Driscoll until we arrived in Florida. Sean is a wonderfully talented musician and decent sort of human being as well. He,ll be up early every morning playing his button box or banjo working out some new tunes. Sean gave me a copy of his solo C.D. and I have to say it,s brilliant. These days the Rovers are: George Millar on vocals/ guitar, Joe Millar on vocals bass/ button box/ whistle/spoons Wilcil Mc Dowell accordion John Reynolds vocals guitar/ bass/whistle Sean O Driscoll tenor banjo mandolin/ button box/ whistle Kevin Mc Keown drums/percussion and Bill Craig vocals/guitar/bodhran. Both George and John are fine songwriters in the traditional style and every evening they each sang one of their own songs, George, the great Kitty of Kilrea and John his wonderful ballad The Tinker.
I'd always thought the late Jim Ferguson sang Bonnie Kellswater but was delighted to find that rich voice was still with the band in the form of the very unique and speedy Joe Millar. Wilcil ( easily the calmest in the band) amazed me with his playing and I,d rank him among the best I,ve heard on the accordion, right up there with Jimmy Shand and Mr Cunningham. Sitting behind us every night was the very steady and extremely silly Kevin on the drums..this guy can PLAY! Which leaves me..trying to hang in there and get it right. Also on the road with us was the lovely Betsy Millar (George,s wife). Betsy handled the sales of C,D,s etc at the shows and also calmly navigated the too numerous Interstate off ramps and airport mazes. Handling the sound was the very relaxed easy going Craig Reimann, and up there in the rafters one could usually find Scott Eagan running the lights. This was and IS a great band and though I can only speak for myself I think anyone who caught an Irish Rovers concert on this tour would have been well pleased and entertained. Tight, well thought out arrangements and a liberal dose of humour coupled with a fast paced show kept the customers satisfied. High points for me apart from playing beautiful concert halls every night and staying in cool hotels was seeing the west coast of Canada including Vancouver Island.
Many old road stories were told along the way as we swapped yarns. I enjoyed Wilcil's account of sitting in a hotel room in Albany New York back in 1969. He was sitting listening to some Irish tunes with the door open one evening when a long haired hippie type walked by, heard the music and asked if he could hang out and have a beer. That's what happened: a few beers,good music and Wilcil and Jim Morrison! The boys also took a "few" brews with Hendrix in Montreal.
Big Sean and myself had a great night with Craig and my buddy Dan Downing in Phoenix A.Z.after the show we hit the Dubliner and Dan's house and rolled back to the hotel at 7a.m. the next morning, Thanks Susan for driving us all the way to Sun City.
That's about it for now..I'm back doing my own gig here in Toronto. Tonight, 20th April I've been in the studio working on a new C.D. which Wilcil and I are recording for Ireland/ England. On May 29th I head back to Germany for about 5 weeks and then a little holiday in Ireland, maybe visit my friend Murphy in Cork.
To all my friends , thanks for your kindness and help along the way. And to the Rovers, thanks for a great tour.

Bill
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At Last Something New...But What? - September '97
Well I guess a big thank you to Yoan for the wonderful job he did or revamping and expanding the page. Almost too much info. He's back in France now being French I guess.
I've had an interesting year...so far. June/July in Europe. Well I worked my b*tt off in Germany as usual at the O'Gills Zoggendorf gig, then a crazy round trip to Berlin for a cup of coffee..mmm good. The following week I worked at McGrattans in Berlin and had a great time plus the unforgettable experience of driving a right hand drive car in that wonderful confusing traffic. I guess they are keeping Karl Marx Strasse I think it should be changed to Groucho Marx. Made some new friends so Hi to Marcus, Natasha, Kai, Uwe, Brian, Heike, Mick, Bobby, Eamon, Catharina, Katrin, Tina, Jenny, Dieter, Petra, Dani and Alex... Terry Murphy fell off his bike and took it all (the road) in the face, ouch!!! Hope you're feeling better Terry. You can tell folks it was a duelling scar.
After Germany (by the way, be very careful on the autobahns..miss your exit on those things and you'll end up in Chech Republic like me) I offered to drive Kyron's V.W. to Ireland... via Amsterdam Brussels Paris & U.K. I thought I'd visit my friend and agent Bernard in Lieden near Amsterdam... Should have called first.. he was in Toronto!! Still there's always Amsterdam!! Then it was on down through Belgium to France and the wonderfully twisted city of light. DON'T drive in Paris. DON'T try to find a hotel off the highway after 8 pm and DON'T speak English, speak German. The small amount of German I have was the only way I could get what I needed...same in Lyon last year. Crossed the channel on the 4 a.m. ferry..super Fast and almost missed the fabled White cliffs of Dover which looked superb in the early morning sun.
Holyhead..that's a name many Irish people are familiar with, it's the ferry terminal to Dublin. Just try finding a signpost for it until you're almost there. Oh well these little things make life interesting. Arrived late in Dublin due to fog on the Irish sea but eventually dropped of Kyron's car and headed horth with my sister Stella to Larne carefully avoiding the burning buses in Newry (I completely forgot it was bus burning season!)
Had a really good relaxing time in Larne and for two weeks did NOTHING as planned..well I had a few pints, rather a lot actually. I forgot to mention by good friend Malcolm Gladstone came to Germany for the weekend and I rudely told him off for being too nice..sorry M. Back to Canada..Not a good year for the Jays oh well Work Work Work new gigs at Slainte Hamilton TIR Na Nog in Kingston Darcy McGees in Ottawa. Definitely think I'll fly to Phoenix this Nov' as I've driven it twice and for those of you who don't know it's 2500 MILES each way!! The new Brian Baynes CD is beautiful and I'm proud to have been involved in a small way...check Brian out at the Blarney Stone in San Diego where he performs frequently. The CD is called Celtic Guitar and is just that. VERY well played and great arrangements. Just spent my Monday night off listening to my friends October Browne and Kirk Elliot and singing a few songs with them too. They play Mondays at the Unicorn on Eglinton near Yonge in Toronto. WELL worth a visit. I'm listening to Kirk's CD "The Heavenly Banquet" as I type this.
Some other performers you might like: Kitty's Kitchen, the amazing Rick Fielding, Norm Hacking in Toronto. Allan Taylor from England wherever he may be hi Allan. The Rugburns - Dr. Robert. Last month I played the Caledon folkfest in the first fiddle free fest I've seen. Great lineup if you like bearded dudes with acoustic guitars..cool to do workshops and share the stage with John Gorka and Michael Smith. M. Smith wrote the Dutchman but looks like he wrestles crocodiles and rides Harleys. Joke: Definition of a gentleman ?? Someone who can play the bagpipes...but doesn't. Review: High Mountain Range..."solid representation of what makes Canadian Music and it's beauty so special".. Mike Myer KRVM/KSYD FM Oregon. Most recently great gig and few days off in Pocono mountains Penns, then on to Atlantic City (no thanks) and down to Cape May..Great highly recommended/beach etc. Am working on a live album if I can force myself to sit down and wade through the hours of tape to find suitable versions of each song. Have grown another 3 inches!! This must stop soon as I'm now over 11 foot tall! The "new" story on the story page was written 2? years ago in the vast gardens of the Hoyt estate in San Diego California. Bill Hoyt aka Bill Sherman is a well known millionaire philanthropist who made his millions in the folk club scene of southern California during the 50's and early 60's. Thanks for your help Bill and all the best when you for for gov' in 98. That's it for now VERY late or early or whatever. I hope my friend John Walter can get this up on the net as I have no idea how to. Thanks John. and all of you who continue to send emails and large amounts of cash. thanks Bill. Eamon in Japan...what's happening in the Irish Pub scene/had offer to play South Korea. Big Bill how was Brazil?? Jim McFaul moves to Nashville..is Karen happy? of course.

Is Bill sleepy of course. Goodnight.
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The Gimmbler - September '95
Zoggendorf, Germany 1887
State of Bavaria November
"The French Revolution was almost one hundred years ago - I had nothing to do with any of that stuff." "Silence!", said Wolfgang, "Stop that whispering back there!" "...he escaped the terror by simply changing his name to Louis King." Helmuth nodded thoughtfully, "I see." Helmuth was a short stocky man who stood well over 6 foot 3. He'd legally changed his name from Klaus Murphy to Helmuth Murphy to be more in keeping with the trendy new 'Irish culture' that was sweeping north from Münich.
I lowered my voice and began explaining how escargot and mushrooms could easily be confused in a thick sauce. A loud CRACK!, followed by a low moan echoed through the stillness of the forest as Wolfgang turned sharply, momentarily forgetting the Countess von Kulmbacher perched on his broad shoulders. "Cude ye no shut yer bakes twa minutes?", he hissed in the broad Glaswegian accent he'd picked up in Stockholm. He was right, of course, the hunting party fromSchloss Greffinstein couldn't be far behind and our little gourp had made painfully slow progress through the snow covered pine forest.
I slipped a cassette into my Walkman and was adjusting my headphones when O'Toole, the Spaniard, tapped my shoulder and gently reminded me it was 1887. "Oop's!", I whispered and quickly tucked the offending device into my canvas backpack. I began scribbling on my notepad as we marched on.
"What is it you are always writing, Mister Creeg?"
"It's not Creeg, it's Creeg!" Damn!

O'Toole was indeed a Spaniard though his surname sounded quite Irish to me. I asked him about it during imprisonment in Schloss Greffinstein. "Ah, you are quit right, Mister Creeg, the name O'Toole is in fact Irish." He went on to explain how his father Knud, a Dane, had some thirty years earlier tried to revive interest in Viking raids to Ireland. However, after several less than successful "raids" which ended in various pubs on the Antrim coast, the venture was a total flop. Knud was wanted for tax evasion in Denmark, a large unpaid bar tab at Dan Campball's, and was lucky to slip out of Ireland to Spain with only the name O'Toole and a six pack of Harp. A few years later in Barcelona, young Jørgen Johannas Jesus O'Toole was born. He'd happily plied his trade throughout Europe and North Africa until here in the police state of Bavaria he was arrested for operating a duck without a license. I asked him, "O'Toole, what was your trade?" He looked at me and said flatly, without a trace of emotion, "I was a gimmbler."
Okay ...

2:30 am:

"So what are you writing about, Mister Creeg?"
"Nothing, O'Toole."
"You write about nothing?"
"Yes, nothing ... well something."
"Ah, something ..."
"No ... I'm looking for something."
"And that is?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing! How can you find nothing, it doesn't exist?"
"Well, first I look for something and maybe I find nothing."
"Ah," said O'Toole, "I see."

Our brief philosophical interlude over, O'Toole trudged on, happily blowing on a silent harmonica given to him by a kindly guard at the Schloss.

Bill Craig
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Eamon - '94
No one called him Eamon, all he ever got was Barney, Barney Pratt.
Barney wasn't much of a nickname in a town where everyone who was anyone had one. My dad was known as Soda. He'd occasionally work as a barman at the L&Y pub, serving drinks to men called Putty, Jasper and Sniper, and maybe to some of the young turks like Coug, Nodds and Nyite. Those on the edge of society had names like Cheetah, Dark Moon, Stubby and Stink. Some of these names were used openly and carried proudly by their owners - others whispered behind their backs. Some, like Dark Moon were shouted as taunts by young boys passing the town hall public toilets, where a MR. Harold (D. Moon) McClure spent his working day, Harry would come storming out of his "office", dragging his lame left leg and waving a tar brush, which he'd threaten to insert into the body of any small boy he would catch. Legend had it that, on the one occasion Harry caught a boy, the young man denied everything saying, "It's wasn't me, MR. Moon". Nicknames could be simple and obvious like Big Jim, Big John, Wee Tom, Wee Jim, or obscure like Bun, Chooky or Toots. Nodds seemed to like his nickname and would happily carve it on trees and park benches or spray paint it anywhere he could reach.
I first met Barney in 1967. It was the summer of Love and Flower Power. I was struggling with the chords to House of the Rising Sun, and wishing my hair would grow longer faster. (This decision to have longer locks would, later that year, lead to my sudden exit from the halls of learning).
Barney was already a full fledged hippie when he started hanging around the Hilltop Cafe. He'd wander in with his sleeping bag and a battered old guitar he couldn't play. He hadn't much going for him - no job, little money and a rough, abusive father. The sleeping bag wasn't a prop - something I realized after seeing his house. Still, Barney was hip. Barney was cool.
He'd breeze into the Hilltop or the Bamboo after spending the day (and whatever money he could raise) in Belfast. He'd pause for a moment while everyone checked out his flared loons and paisley patterned shirt with the huge collar. Barney was always a step ahead in the ever changing world of sartorial elegance.
Eamon drifted in and out of our mundane small town lives - sometimes disappearing for months to the distant exotic locations of Dublin, Bristol and Bath.
I can never recall Barney having a job - he just seemed to exist. He'd show up at a dance or club where my band was performing, and help us carry our equipment. He'd look cool as a member of our entourage, and we'd look cool with a hippie roadie. He'd sit behind the mixing desk with our sound man, Oskar, where both of them would drink cider and pretend to know what they were doing.
Barney would often mispronounce words in a childlike way - I remember one evening as we sat bored in the Bamboo, when he stood up, took charge and said, "C'mon boys, let's do something to break the monotonous." We got up, left the Bamboo, and headed in a group for the Floral restaurant where, no doubt, the monotonous was collectively broken.
I think it was around October of '72 when I last saw Eamon. It was after a party at Drumnagreagh House, and I'd already agreed to drive six people home in my small '62 Austin Mini when he approached me about a ride. He'd had quite a few pints that night, but could see my point that eight in a Mini was too much. "Sorry Barney, wish you'd asked me earlier", I said. "No problem", he smiled and wandered off through the thining crowd in an attempt to avoid the six mile walk on the dark and winding road that hugged the Antrim coast.
Barney's short life ended some thirty minutes later, when he hopped on a motorbike with two other young men and disappeared over a cliff onto the rocks below.
I've often thought that maybe I should have squeezed one more into my little car - even if we hadn't broken a record, we'd have "broken the monotonous"

Bill Craig
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Dial-A-Prayer - '93
It was Sunday morning In San Diego - another perfect day in paradise, and I decided to browse through the thirteen tightly spaced Yellow Pages in the Pacific Bell Directory church section. This wasn't going to be easy. Should I "catch the joy" at the Presbyterian church in America (not to be confused with the Presbyterian Church in the USA), or try the more traditional sounding Orthodox Presbyterian's. Maybe even have a shot at the Unaffiliated Presbyterian's - no, not the Unaffiliated.
I noticed that the United Methodist Church in Clairemont offer "user friendly" services with Pastor Jim Hill, but then again, the Harmony Grove Spiritualists had "healing services, psychic development and cabin rentals!"
I began looking for a name which would speak to my long buried feelings. Dr. Fishbeck and Rev. Betty Boiles were both available at the Church of Religious Science on Morena Boulevard. On Kensington Drive, I could probably shake hands with the Revs Rose and Millie of the Fraternal Spiritualists.
I continued scanning page 544, noting that I could have my choice of four Pentecostal variations totalling 29 venues, when I stumbled across the (to me) oddly titled Lady Of Kazan Patriarchal Orthodox Church...hmm.
The Saints were well represented and included St. George of Antiach, St. Nicholas, St John of Damascus, St. Constantine and St. Helen. Under the heading Metaphysical Christianity only one listing - The Center of the Sixth Sun - now this sounded like a fun group. They featured psychic counselors, healers and Cassie Mavis and her transformational massage. I wondered for a moment what Cynthia Wooton had gone through to become a Shamen Rebirther, I was sure she'd have a story or two to tell. I decided to call "church on the move", and was disappointed to find they'd been at the same location for seven years. The Fish Christian Network was on Saturn (Boulevard) and not near the beach! The Sanctuary Church offered a Rock 'n' Roll refuge - could this be the one, or maybe I could hang with Pastor Wilbert "Buddy" Hauser at his "Jammin' for Jesus Church - where everybody is somebody"...mm
Father Andrew at Good Samaritan offered Catholic marriages with no classes, no waiting and no pre-Cana, Bayview Baptist had Wednesday Nite Live. Need help --? ask Our Lady of Perpetual Help. Lack confidence? - check out Our Mother of Confidence. For those on a budget - the Free Evangelicals. I could have the Church of God in Christ or the Church of Christ within Christ. Lazy? - how about the "Drive-in Worship Church of Chula Vista".
None of this for me. I decided to take in the 1:30 service at Jack Murphy Cathedral and visit with the Padres, very religious men who wear heavy gold chains as a penance. The Padres were affiliated with the Church of the Holy Diamond, famous for its domed cathedral In Toronto, and home of the... Rev. Joe Carter.

Bill Craig
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This is the Life - '93
I drove through late night Phoenix (past creatively named streets such as 3rd, 4th &5th) towards my destination, the quaintly titled Motel 6. I looked at my watch - it was almost 2.a.m.as I turned sharply into the 7/11, which occupied one corner of the 19th street intersection. I pulled 3 singles from my wallet and purchased a delicious plastic wrapped "hand made" breakfast burrito and a large styrofoam cup of muddy brown liquid from a pot labelled coffee. MMM, this is the life I thought, as I leisurely sifted through various plastic lids to find the one which would fit perfectly.
"Hey have a good one", said the acne scarred kid in the company bowling shirt.
"Yeah, you too", I breezed. I exited, clutching my recently irradiated Mexican delight, my spirits uplifted by the breif but meaningful verbal exchange.
At 2:05, as I left the air conditioned confines of the 7/11, the 80 degrees of the Arizona night hit me, and my mind returned to another night and another place, when the temperature had been approximately the same - Wow! I stopped, and for a few moments pondered the complexities of the human mind, Too much for me, I thought, suddenly aware of the burning sensation in my fingers. I placed my food on the car roof and carefully selected one of two identical keys on the rental car key ring. One of the keys through clever research and design would open the door locks, trunk AND start the engine. The other acted as a cunningly simple device which would unlock the gas cap. I spent several moments trying to persuade the gas cap key to function beyond it's capabilities, and after dropping the keys and repeating the process, I gained access to the funky vinyl luxury of my 84 Cavalier. Having cleverly held on to the master key, I cranked the engine, slipped into gear and eased out onto the almost deserted Bell road. Within 3 minutes, I eased my vehicle back into the 7/11, where I stood for a moment contemplating my rapidly cooling and somewhat squashed burrito and empty styrofoam cup.
I repeated the transaction with the thin pimply metal dude, and feelings of loss tempered by another brief but meaningfull exchange, "Got the munchies tonight?" "Yeah big time" I replied. I returned to my comfortable but spartan room in time to catch Sports Centre on ESPN and after coming to terms with a Indians 22 Blue Jays 0 score, was able to stretch out relax and reflect on what a full facinating life I lead.

Bill Craig
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